i am only just thirteen. he is sixteen. i am in love/lust/crush.
my best friends big brother, or friends ex boyfriend, is tall. once or twice i imagined kissing him. but he never would. he is friends with the boy who is sixteen. and besides he is my best friends big brother or my friend's ex boyfriend. and i am not a bad person.
i am tall too, you know. i am stretched skyward but there was no more to stretch, just bone. so i am not really that tall at all. but i pretend i am. how tall are you? oh above average, you know, pretty tall.
the brother says want to come and see j? and my heart leaps and i sing yes but he only hears a nod and there's no time to change. my chest is flat and my shirt doesn't cover my belly button but i don't really mind, you know, it's brown and flat like stretches of australia my father used to talk about. that's me; land.
the air is the kind of cool it only ever is at nighttime. not winter, no that's a different kind. you can tell by the night-y smell and the tingling on your skin like you know she shouldn't be up this late and the air wasn't quite expecting you but you don't care. of course i kind of did but i wouldn't admit it.
i'm not wearing shoes. my feet are tough because of it. not girly at all. i can step on glass and not feel it until the carpets turned a sickly red where i'd just stepped. that's the only time i've been to hospital you know. and i never even cried.
the road is gravel and i'm saying how far away is he and he is saying oh not so far, not so far. but we walk and walk and there are not an awful lot of cars around, mind you it's past midnight and the air won't be expecting them either way. we all know the airs had enough surprises for the night.
when i see him i don't believe it is him. because his shirt is off and if that were him that would be too great and i don't want to think things are too great in case it is not him and then when i see him i am disappointed. but it is. and he has his shirt off. and he is a prettier brown then me.
he is beautiful. he is drunk, but god he is beautiful. he's maybe even high, but i can't tell that. i can only tell drunk. i got drunk at mariahs off half a glass of rum and coke and it made my throat burn but i was dancing to a gwen stefani song and i didn't care about my throat. she told adam i had sex with him. i swear to god i didn't. they had sex next to me in the bed and i pretended i was asleep, i wasn't and i didn't like it. but i didn't want to be impolite.
he doesn't look at me. he just looks at his friend and sighs and says something rather and his voice is what i remembered. that night in the cinema. me in his lap. he said i kissed special you know. he said he loved nothing more than to kiss me. he said things would be okay. and i ate it all up, ofcourse. his eyes were a special shade of wonderful and everything was special, special. i was special and i was going to be okay!
and now he's in front of me and he was right. things are okay. if okay means birds and bees and butterflies in my belly and thoughts that throw themselves off walls and hands that fumble while i mumble under my breath hello j. hi, he says. he doesn't say my name, i think maybe if he said it he would have me right then and i'd have to take off my clothes and make love to him in the shocked nighttime air in front of my best friends brother or friend's ex boyfriend. he doesn't say my name. i still wear the shrinked tee shirt and boxer shorts.
a little way up the road we walk, he is on a bike. i think it is stolen but i don't say anything. a flower lays dead on the road. he picks it up and hands it to me and i want to cry and tell him i love him because he is so beautiful. but instead he hears my nod. and he talks to sam some more. i want to touch him. i want him to touch me.
we are home and i throw the flower aside because after all it is only a silly flower and a dead one at that. but i know where it is and when i find it the next day it will be even more dead, like me, but quiet.
we go inside. it hums in here and it is cold because they have their aircon on. we have an aircon but mum says it's too expensive so i'm used to the heat and the cold air makes me sneeze and makes my nose run. we go outside.
we sit by the pool and sam yawns and i listen to them talk. i'm not even here really. i don't want to be because i'm scared if i am here i will do something with j in front of my best friends big brother and he will tell my bestfriend and my bestfriend doesn't approve of that sort of thing you know.
then i am here. and he is here. and we are here. we, us. my body is hot and he is sliding into the pool. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
he is fucking beautiful
he looks at me and i don't feel pretty but he seems to read my mind, some kind of super power he must secretly have and he says
you know you're really pretty
and i don't nod this time. my legs dangle down into the water and the water takes away the length. from here i don't seem very pretty. but he said i was pretty. he did. and he's without a shirt floating about in the pool before me.
he says why don't you swim with me? and i almost blush but i don't and i say, because i don't have any clothes to change into and he says why not take them off, swim in your underwear?
i am not wearing a bra. i don't even need one, really. they are all too big and i am all too small. i stand under the shower some nights and watch the water skip a beat over my skin where my breasts are forming and i like that they are there. sometimes they hurt though, like now, but it's a nice hurt.
i take off my shirt and he turns and swims the other way as though he is a gentleman and i take my boxers off and i am wearing blue underwear. i want to tear the bow off the top because it looks girly but what would he think to see a bow floating in the pool?
the water is cold, nighttime cold, and at my neck. then, all too soon, he is. but he is not nighttime cold he is warm. he is my sun.
i am shaking. i am shaking all over and he is saying are you cold, but i'm not, i'm love and i am shivering with my teeth, bone hitting bone and with everything. he holds me to his chest in the water and i can feel his, well, i can feel him pressed up hard against my thigh.
i imagine making love in the pool. i stop shaking soon and he kisses all down my neck and collarbone and holds me across his arms so he can kiss down my stomach and around my boobs. i think well maybe he does want to make love in the pool but i don't want to anymore. suddenly it's too real and i am scared. i begin to shake again. i say yes, i am cold. let's go inside and watch some tv.
but i am colder inside. so i turn the aircon off and he groans. i look at him on the couch, strewn across it as though he's lived here all his life and i smile. because he is beautiful and you wouldn't believe it but he had his mouth on my boobs and his mouth on my mouth and his mouth on my almost (but not) my everything minutes ago.
i say are you hungry and i think he says yes so i try and think of something i can make him. i make nachos in the microwave with lots of cheese and i give it to him and his eyes don't leave the television. i wait for a thankyou but he doesn't say it but i forgive him because obviously he is busy watching something. and you know i didn't even know if that was a yes or not. so i say sorry. and he looks at me as if i am out of my mind. but i am!
and so i lay across him. bare skin, such a delicious brown and that heat that comes from no where and goes everywhere. i am happy. i am the happiest i have been in a long time and i try not to smile because i am ugly when i smile and i still want him to think i am very pretty.
my hair is still wet and i think maybe that is why he doesn't play with it like other boys do. he doesn't even eat. my stomach calls out but i ignore it, i don't want bad breath. i want all good and i will be all good if he continues to love me. although i don't actually know if he does. but he has to, right? isn't that why he kissed my almost (but not quite) everything? and said i was very pretty and that i kissed special?
i don't ask him because i am too happy just now. laying here on him. i wouldn't mind to lay back and watch him but i am scared i would frighten him or freak him out. so i quietly pretend to watch it too. watch what? i'm not even sure. it is pay tv and i don't usually watch tv at all.
then we are watching nothing because he has turned the tv off and the house is just night. i say goodnight and kiss him goodnight but miss and then he holds my face and kisses me, deep and i know i'd love nothing more than to fall asleep with him.
i only ever fell asleep with one boy and he was beautiful too. he had freckled skin and blue eyes and was skinny and mean. but i fell for him too. and that night was magic. i wanted magic again, with j now.
and then he pulls me down onto the mattress he is sleeping on and takes my shirt off. i am glad because maybe it means he likes my boobs. but then he tries my pants and i don't like it. i don't want that. this isn't like i thought and i don't know what to do anyway and oh i don't want to be here let's just fall asleep and hold one another and let me breathe OUR breath. but he still tries and then he kisses down my stomach.
it feels nice and tickles. and i do it to his stomach. there is a window above us and a streetlight smiles down upon us, approving with a don't mind me but i don't mind him or it because it casts the shadows drawn around his abs and they are wonderful. so wonderful and i kiss soft because i would never do anything to hurt him, even kiss too hard but his palm is pushing my head down and down and i'm not sure what is happening exactly.
then i don't kiss his stomach and i don't understand and he tells me to give him head and i didn't even know people actually did that, i thought maybe that was something my brother made up to gross me out. but he is asking me and i don't want to say yes. of course i don't want to my butterflies have all wilted and died inside of me and i think this isn't the j i fell in love with. you're scary.
and i run.
i climb under the covers with my best friend, where she'll never ask me to do anything i don't want to. she is snoring quiet and i like the sound. it means she is here even if i close my eyes. i do close my eyes. and when i open them he is gone.
and i am still in love with the boy kissing my body in the pool. but then again i am just land, and all he did was walk along me, over me.